Like anyone asked to reflect over the last year, my year was full of highs and lows. At the beginning of this year, I committed myself to improving my health. I got a personal trainer and was more intentional with my eating. While I lost about 30-40lbs from my highest weight, one of the biggest lessons I learned on that journey was about trust. I could trust myself to accomplish my goals, but I also could trust the people around me to support me in my goals. I also made headway on becoming debt free this last year. While I still have a way to go, I know I paid off a few thousand dollars on my credit card debt this year. I also had the joy to watch my best friend get married and stand at her side on her special day.
“Vulnerability opposes isolation
and encourages intimacy”
Along with the many good things this year, came some not so exciting things. I had to move out of my mom’s home due to circumstance outside of my control. I’ve been in a heavy season of depression and anxiety during the latter half of this year. My move led to a lot of uncertainty. I felt displaced again, as though I hadn’t really had a place to call my home and to rest my head in over two years. I felt disconnected from people, including the people I counted as my friends and family. I remember sitting with my City Group family crying about this and embarrassed and ashamed. I hate crying in front of people. It’s hard for me to be vulnerable with others, but once I started talking about God meeting my needs (or what at the time felt like abandonment), the flood gates opened. Afterwards, one of the men in the group approached me and said, “Being open and willing to cry like that was the essence of being vulnerable and would allow many doors to open for me to connect with other people down the road.” He was right, and despite how difficult it still is to share my emotions, I try to remind myself of his words. Vulnerability opposes isolation and encourages intimacy.
It wasn’t easy to be vulnerable. In fact, I fought it for a long time after that night. I was angry, and I was jealous. I was watching my friends get married, have kids, and buy houses. All things I desired with my whole heart but had yet to experience. I felt like God called me to lose weight and to pay off my debt, but now it felt like he was closing the doors to accomplishing those things. I still feel like he is calling me to those things, but also think he wants me to understand that sometimes as human beings, we take his beautiful callings and twist them into idol making machines. While our actions may have good intentions, if we let those things take the place of our worship for God, then it becomes no better than any other sin.
“While our actions may have good intentions,
if we let those things take the place of our worship for God,
then it becomes no better than any other sin.”
My depression and anxiety were paralyzing, and I wanted it to end so bad that honestly, going to bed and never waking up sounded like the best kind of relief. I knew that wasn’t right and I made the hard to decision to talk to my doctor about medication. I’ve taken medication for depression and anxiety before, but I experienced many negative side effects or felt like a zombie while taking it. This time we tried something different, and I’m so glad I chose this path. I feel lighter and my mind is clearer. I can still feel things and cry at sappy romantic movies. My anxiety is not paralyzing. It is still there when I interact with people, but I’m able to push past it and connect with people. Sometimes people talk about anxiety like it something that can be prayed away, but I think there is a limit to that mentality. Yes, I believe that my God is powerful enough to heal people of their illnesses or sin patterns. I’ve watched the power of prayer heal a young boy from death’s doorstep this year. I also believe that sometimes we don’t overcome a sickness because there is a greater story that comes from living through it and from turning to our Father for comfort and guidance. I don’t think I will ever be free of my depression and anxiety in this world. I think it will also be an undercurrent in my soul and sometimes it will surface stronger than normal. Despite that I think I am uniquely equipped to grow in it. God has graced me with grit and resilience, and from this intrusive grace I’m better able to serve and walk with other people suffering through depression and anxiety.
I reflect now, and I see that I haven’t been alone in my walk either. My mom has been patient and supportive towards me through this process. My best friend and her husband opened their house to me and my dog just a few months after getting married, giving us a place to rest our head however temporary. I’ve met other people working out of debt too, and we’ve encouraged each other in biblical and practical wisdom and grace through it. I’ve found myself intentionally connecting with new people and them being willing and patient with me and my social awkwardness. I met someone with whom I’m going to room with and we just found a wonderful house to rent. While I’m nervous about this new transition because it will mean opening myself and my personal resources to another person, I know that out it will come growth and hopefully a God-honoring and fulfilling friendship.
This transition brings me to how I need to enter into the new year. While 2018 has been a struggle. At times I’ve felt isolated and abandoned, I realize that through most of those dark places, I was walking away from God. He gave me the keys to escape my loneliness, but I was too afraid. Honestly, I was more comfortable in my afflictions because they were what I knew. I used my introversions and anxieties as an excuse to not be generous with my time. Yes, I am more reserved, and it is harder for me to trust new people, but I desire to be around people. I love finding ways in which I can help others in the midst of their struggles and connect them to resources and people that they may need. I love to learn and then take what I learned and teach it to other people. In 2019, I want to be more intentional with my time. I don’t want to hoard it, and I want to stretch myself in building deeper connections with new people as well as people with whom I already have established relationships. I intend to be more creative, reading and writing more. My mom has thousands of glass beads that she used to make jewelry with but no longer can due to her arthritis and neuropathy in her hands. I’m going to learn beading and use this new hobby as both a creative outlet and a way to supplement some of my income. I’m going to have my own home for the first time in several years. I want to open this home to my friends and family, cooking for them and conversing with them, learning how I can pray for them and their families. I’ve always had a heart for fostering children and in the rehabilitation of individuals stuck in the negative cycles of our legal system. While I’m not in a financial position to open my home for fostering yet, I do have the skills and time to serve a couple of non-profits in these areas. In 2019, I’m choosing joy. When I hold your babies, go to the game nights, and even cry, I’m choosing joy. Joy in the faithfulness of my Father for this year and the many years to come.
heartsdesire268 